


Roses and Roses and Roses

by Forgotmypiano



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Connor (Detroit: Become Human) Has Panic Attacks, Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Hank Anderson Swears, Hank Being Awesome, M/M, Post-Android Revolution (Detroit: Become Human), Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 06:15:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15943460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forgotmypiano/pseuds/Forgotmypiano
Summary: Having feelings can be scary. Specially after people tried to control and deactivate you. Nothing Hank can't solve with some fire.





	Roses and Roses and Roses

I'm a machine.  
I have a shining ring in my head, a number fixed in my clothes, mathematics running in my brain.  
I have blue blood and plastic hands.

He is not a machine. He has wrinkles and rough hands. There's air in his lungs and red blood in his veins. He needs to rest when the night comes and eat when his body is hungry.

He's not like me, and yet, he's by my side.

I hear his steps as we walk through the mall. I need clothes, he said. I can't keep wearing cyberlife uniform forever. It's true, and I don't want this suit anymore.

I can't hear my own steps.

"Do you know what kind of clothe you want?", We're halfway to the store and I haven't thought about it yet.  
"Something relatively formal, I think", something that I'm used to seems like a good start.  
"Not surprised. And to hang in the house?"  
"Something less formal, I suppose"  
The store is filled with humans and coats. I recall that it's winter, and for the first time I wonder how would spring be, because I'll live to see spring and I'll live to see the next winter too. I'll live until there - I feel a little dizzy thinking of that - because I'm alive.  
I am alive and I'm buying clothes.  
A hand reaches my own hand. Rough skin, and my fingers and his fingers meet. I look up.  
"You ok, Connor?"  
"I'm fine, thanks for asking. I'm just analyzing what would be the most efficient wardrobe to buy that it's still in our budget"  
"For fuck's sake, Connor, you don't need to analyze every damn thing. You just walk around and pick whatever you like", he reaches a sweater with little drawings in it, "you like flowers, don't you? This one has roses in it"  
I freeze.  
Roses.  
I see Amanda next to me, watering red roses.  
I see Amanda next to me, telling me I'll be deactivated.  
I see Amanda next to me, and there's snow.  
I see her.  
I see Amanda.  
I see the gun I could have fired Markus with.  
She watered roses and I listened to her.  
She watered roses and I was just a machine.  
"Connor, what the...", Hank keeps on saying things. I can hear his voice but can't catch the words. I can just see the roses. And the blizzard. And the gun.  
And Amanda.  
Hank's voice is even more distant now, but I feel a hand in my shoulder, guiding me somewhere. I'm shivering. My body doesn't obey me.  
I didn't know I could shiver.  
We're outside now, and I can hear my silent steps now. Machine steps. Robot steps. Cyberlife steps.  
We get in Hank's car and I feel his hands on my cheeks. They are warm. I'm not warm because I was left in the snow by the woman who watered red roses.  
"Connor, please, look at me"  
And I look, because his hands are warm and I feel stuck between a snowstorm's night and the blue sky on lieutenant's eyes.  
"Connor, I just want you to know... I just want you to... Fuck, Connor, I'm here with you. You don't have to tell me shit if you don't want to, but I won't leave your side, understand?"  
I stare him for a while. I don't need to breath but there's the sensation air is not getting in. I keep looking at him. My hands are shivering so much they look like dancing a song I can't hear.  
"It's... It's just..." I don't wanna say it out loud. I don't wanna think about it. But there's snow and roses and blood and guns before my eyes. She's already there. Forever.  
"It's Amanda"  
"The cyberlife bitch?", Lieutenant knows the story. I told hin a few weeks ago, so he could prepare himself in case I lost control again.  
Hank hugs me while I shiver in his car. I smell alcohol and cigarettes and Sumo.  
I shiver and shiver until his smell is stronger then the fragrance of red roses.

 

I don't remember getting home. I don't remember sitting in the couch. But somehow I'm there, Hank hugging me strong and Sumo looking at me with a canine concern.  
I start to feel like myself again, burried in Hank's shoulder.  
"I'm sorry I acted like this, back in the store--"  
"Shut up, Connor", he rubs my back and I can feel alterations in his breath and in his body language.  
I made lieutenant worry.  
"From now on, I'll make sure to download psychological articles about traumas so I can recover properly and refrain from worrying you"  
"Connor"  
"Yes?"  
"Shut up"  
I stopped talking. We stayed like that for while, until Hank was satisfied enough about my mental condition.  
"Having feelings sucks, Connor, but that's the price for being alive", he says before going to bed, after having a silent dinner, "and I'm glad you're alive"  
Those word made my chest feel warm, as if i had a real heart.  
With Hank, I feel like I'm real.  
I decide to shut down for the night. My system may need some repairs after what I realized was a panic attack. Post trauma.  
I'm an Android with feelings and it can be good as much as it can be bad.  
.  
.

"Connor"  
System repairs needed: 0.  
RAM memory: running.  
"Connor"  
Network connection: stable.  
"Connor!"  
I open my eyes quickly and sit on the bed.  
"What is it? What is happening?", I check lieutenant's body. No signal of harm.  
"Come with me, let's go out", he holds my hand and I see a little smile in him. It makes me happy but I can't really understand.  
"What happened, lieutenant? A robbery? You need something? Are you feeling ill?"  
"No, I'm not... What, no, nothing happened. I just wanna take you somewhere"  
"At four in the morning"  
He roll eyes, still smiling.  
"Can we just go?"  
I go with him, of course. Feeling a little dizzy for my system being awake so abruptly as we enter the car, but I'll always go with him.  
We drive in silence. It's a cold night and snow is everywhere.  
I know snow can be seen as beautiful by humans, but I dislike it.  
I dislike snow and I dislike roses.  
I take deep breaths, even though I don't need air. I'm trying to stay calm. Calm. Calm.  
It's being hard.  
"We're here", Hank starts getting out of the car.  
We're in the food truck lieutenant likes going when my suggestions about a good diet won't reach him. It's closed.  
There's pile of roses in the ground.  
I take a step back. Then another.  
Hank grabs my hand.  
"Come with me", he is smiling. I am not.  
"Hank, I don't want to--"  
"Trust me"  
I trust him with my entire being. I go near the pile of roses, feeling my body heavy and my mind foggy.  
Instead of the sweet fragrance, I smell gasoline.  
"Now tell me, Connor, you hate roses?"  
"I don't... I'm not understanding"  
"You hate roses and you hate snow"  
It wasn't a question, but I slowly nod my head. I'm determined to not lose myself again to despair. I don't wanna worry anyone again, but it's like I'm being dragged again to the night. When I almost shot Markus.  
When I was a machine again.  
"Connor, I want you to pay attention"  
Hank is screaming. The night air gets his voice and make it go far.  
"Do you hate roses?"  
I'm stuck and don't know what to do.  
"Answer me, Connor"  
"Ye...yes"  
"Louder"  
"Yes"  
"Louder!"  
"Yes!", My voice is not as loud as his, but almost.  
It feels like we're the only people in the world.  
"And do you hate snow?", He is even louder. Part of me is waiting for the police to arrive to check what this old man is yelling.  
Part of me is feeling lighter.  
We are alone and the world is ours.  
"Yes!"  
"And you hate Amanda?"  
"Yes!", Now I'm louder than him, and he smiles, taking a lighter out of his pocket.  
"So fuck Amanda!"  
He throws the lighter in the roses.  
They catch fire instantly.  
I think it's not gonna last, there's snow and it's cold.  
But it grows more and more.  
"Connor!"  
I look at him, the red light in his hair, a big smile in his eyes.  
It looks like the time had stopped.  
It looks like the fire is burning something inside of me.  
"You defeated Amanda, you got it? You beat that motherfucker! It's gonna be scary sometimes, but you did it once, and I'm here to help you do it again"  
He goes next to me and grabs my hand.  
"Fuck Amanda", he yells.  
I can't stop smiling.  
"Fuck Amanda!", My voice echoes through the entire city, the entire world.  
It echoes in me.  
"Fuck Amanda!", I do it again, as the roses burn and the world is mine.  
Hank is laughing and holding my hand.  
We watch the flames reach the sky.

**Author's Note:**

> Aand that was my first fanfic ever. English is not my first language so I apologize for any mistakes.


End file.
